Christian McCrea

Dear Mr. Facebook,

Earlier today, you lost your brightest star. I saved Mr. Zuckerberg from obscurity by installing - or rather, helped to install - within Facebook a culture of camaraderie and shared responsibility.

I was then banned for changing the name of a group - a group I was the sole admin of - from “~~RHIANNA~~” to “Germaine Greer Should Dump Chris Brown”. 

Well apart from the fact I did in no way violate the terms of service, I also followed the Facebook interface to the letter. I did not hack. I did not phish. I did not embarrass - unless you are Germaine Greer (and you are not). In fact, I do know Germaine Greer, and she has personally avowed that I have not embarrassed her. Chris Brown beats women so his opinion doesn’t count. The point is, its really really funny and doesn’t offend anybody. In fact, its so funny, its offensive even to ban me. Now who is outside the law? Thats a leading question. Its clearly you.

What’s concerning is that Facebook would take action against something at the top of their comedy game. Only obscurity and ruin lie ahead for your entire company without the withering hacks of a comedy hammer like myself. 

As you are now well aware, I am part of a trans-continental supertroupe of ingenious Facebook users that have found ways to entertain ourselves in your bland police-station. Groups without running adminstration are taking up valuable server space -  increasing greenhouse gas emissions with no running user culture.

That I would rescue these groups from waste - recycling them, if you will - and not be paid a handsome fee is in itself, a disgrace on par with the group “Barb Streisand Fans Unite!” being unmolested. 

Nowhere in your terms of service does it say:

“PLEASE DO NOT JOIN EMPTY GROUPS AND MAKE THEM RADCORE AGAIN”. 

So I ask that my account be reinstated. For the right of comedy mavens everywhere to rock it to, and indeed, from the grave. 

I promise to do the above, again and again, until everything sparkles. I would like for this to be resolved by you, me and the Zuckster to fly about on a jet plane, Twittering to each other on iPhones. I don’t know. I think Vicki Iseman is there too.

Anyway, this isn’t going to stop. Make a martyr of me if you like, but at least make it a martryni.

Yours in lulzy terms of agreement,

-Rhianna (ella ella)